Soil Saloon Muthah Fuckah!!!!!!!

Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down

Some people go to church on Sundays. Some people go to the bar. Some people sleep in and snuggle with their significant other. But the most interesting and exciting people go to Golden Gate park with their bicycles and belly-up to the Soil Saloon, San Francisco's premier unsanctioned, unregulated, and otherwise unlawful Off Road Dirt Criterium.

Sunday, March 9th was the second installation of this burgeoning series that threatens it's participants with fun, prizes, and for some: CERTAIN AND INEVITABLE GLORY.

The wild success of the March Soil Saloon was due, in no small part, to Minnesota based hell-raisers and good sports, SURLY. Their luscious list of tantalizing and seductive prizes included flasks, Jethro Tules, Tug Nut chain tensioners, a hub set, and soft goods to cover head to toe. Other prizes included wooden nickels good for a free beer at Zeitgeist, miscellaneous treats from Mojo Bike Café, and Soil Saloon official t-shirts. Thanks to Sov, Andy and Johnny.

The day began innocently enough at Spreckles lake in Golden Gate park, where the miniature boats were in full sail and the old Chinese men were in full Tai Chi. Soon however, as High Noon rolled around dozens of the Bay Areas finest bicycling miscreants descended upon the lake and the Soil Saloon was open for business. Racers were given their number plates and eyes scanned the horizon for any sight of dirt-bound debauchery. The ceremonial parade ride from the meeting spot to the super secret race start line was then underway. Once at the start line, on the edge of Golden Gate park's polo field, racers were ordered to dismount and leave their bikes behind. In the damp, dark, urine-scented tunnel beneath their steeds, the racers were briefed on what lay ahead for them. On the word "GO" the Le Mans start ran from the tunnel and back up to the rides, no one knowing completely what horrors or delights were in store.

The course consisted of four laps on a tight, fast, mostly singletrack loop through the park. An outdoor rave in the distance thumped a soundtrack and certainly distracted the authorities from the real lawlessness afoot. Checkpoint one was the shooting range, a true cowboy must have a steady hand, and hit a target amidst distraction. A range marshal handed off slingshots to the racers, the nearer empty beer can targets yielded a prize, while the target considerably down range merited a free lap. The slingshots construction was of recycled bicycle forks, rubber bands, and tires, and although the forks ranged from cro-moly steel to carbon fiber, only one racer could master the weapon enough to hit the target. He won for his steady hand…socks.

Tequila Girls again returned to administer Mexican hooch and judge the unique and ridiculous Karaoke Free Lap Challenge. Each racer was given 15 seconds to sing a song at random and wow the Girls with their performance. A cowboy needs, in addition to a steady hand, talent and charisma. That being said, many attempted and ALL failed.

The four laps ended quickly but due to ineptitude and inebriation on the part of the organizers, a hotly contested tie for the winner was the result. The Soil Saloon alas, can have but ONE champion, and the two tied for 1st place were pitted against each other in a two lap one-on-one death-match. They faced each other and were told that they must finish their beer before the direction of their departure would be revealed to them. After the chug was complete the soon to be Soil Saloon champions embarked on a reverse dual lap battle, much to the delight of the heckling and beverage spraying crowd. Two laps neck and neck later, and one bike length apart, Spokey became the March 2008 Soil Saloon champion, and was rewarded with Surly hubs, and the March 2008 championship Hooded Sweatshirt. For his steadfast and gallant attempt, 2nd place Kurt received Surly socks, hat, and flask.

Other prizes were awarded for:

Best Crash (an uphill endo)

Best Crashes (that's right, plural! Both on and off the bike)

Charm and Talent (a bike humping show of punk rock-ness to Black Flag's "TV Party")

Uncontested Best Dancing (No one could touch his break-dance in the sand)

Sexiest (thanks ladies!)

Hoopty-est Ass Ride (a Early 90's MTB with pannier bags)

Farthest Commute (Fairfax)

Surly-est (didn't even fucking race and knocked the announcer over whilst accepting the award)

The Wesley Willis Memorial Karaoke Award (for knowing the words but delivering them in an uninspired monotone)

And finally, the Bad-Ass Award (to a girl who raced on a road bike, but left before the award beeremony. Contact us, www.soilsaloon.com, we have a prize for you)